Friday, June 11, 2010

Interlude - Casey

“I can’t take it anymore, Mark. I’m leaving and there’s nothing you can do about it,” Casey said, throwing the hand-written letter he had just given her to the floor. “Your words don’t mean anything to me anymore.”
Mark, for all the love he had for Casey, saw the note he’d worked on most of the night hit the floor. Talking to her, he could not make her believe that he loved her more than anything else in the world and they belonged together forever. He’d hoped by putting his thoughts into words she could see and hold it would soften her some.
It didn’t. She was cold inside now, not the loving woman he’d been with through two sons and more than 12 years.
Something was different about her. He suspected she was seeing someone else for the first time and she saw it in his eyes. He didn’t know she wasn’t, but the way she was acting was an indication she might be and the world Mark lived in began collapsing like so many stories in a house of cards. She let him believe what he wanted to because she didn’t care what he thought and if he wanted to believe she was cheating on him, it might push him to make mistakes or compromises in the coming weeks and months to give her more advantages.
What she was clear in making sure of was she did not care about him anymore. She didn’t care about anything he thought anymore. She’d spent 12 years married to Mark, and at first she believed she loved him. She’d dated him, shared with him, cared for him, and bore him two sons. For 12 years they made friends, played sports with their sons, enjoyed romantic weekends together, camped under the stars, and live the life others envied.
But there was something inside her, hidden from everyone, something she never let see the light of day and something she seldom allowed herself to think about that had finally pushed her to the point where Mark could not be a part of her life anymore.
She was through with him.
She thought about it a few weeks back and it was what she was going to do. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought or said. She was now going to do exactly what she was going to do.
Casey was not stupid. She’d spent a lot of time thinking and reading and studying and watching others in her life. She was keen at watching people and how they reacted to situations. She’d seen her brother go though his divorce a few years earlier and how her ex-sister-in-law had reacted to finding out her brother was sleeping with his high school sweetheart. She was pretty sure she knew how Mark would react to being told the news she was now sharing with him.
Today, she was going to the divorce lawyer.
Joseph and Joshua, their two sons, age nine and 11, were spending the weekend with Casey’s parents. They’d been there since the previous night when Casey dropped them off while Mark was at work, finishing up another week at his insurance company and looking forward to what he hoped would be a drama-free relaxing weekend of shoveling snow out of the driveway, bringing firewood in for the fireplace and maybe a night out with their friends.
When he’d arrived home, Casey was packing up some clothes in her big suitcase.
Mark asked her what was going on and she told him she needed to get away for a while. He was curious as things seemed to have been going well the last few months for the two of them. The counseling seemed to be working for them as both had compromised and adjusted and their lovemaking had been regular, if not inspired, but he thought it was working.
She’d said she’d been leaving before in their marriage and he’d talked her into staying, or had talked her into coming back after being away for a few days. Each time they’d worked things out and moved on to the next day in their marriage.
One time, after they’d been apart for more than a week, when the kids had been six and eight, they had agreed to attend marriage counseling through his church. She never considered the church hers, even though she attended with him regularly during their marriage.
The counselor had talked about respect and communication, about faith in God, the Covenant of Marriage, the rolls of each person in a family unit, the vows they’d spoken and blah, blah, blah ad nausium. She tried to keep it working, to make the marriage work, but inside her head, she planned to leave Mark as soon as she thought the boys were old enough or until she couldn’t take it anymore.
At the end, she was just going through the motions until she could plan her exit from the marriage.
Casey slept in Joseph’s bed that night and Mark spent most of the evening, well into the early morning hours, writing in the den. He finally crept into Joseph’s room, Casey cursed herself for not putting a lock on the door, in the wee hours of the morning, kissed her on the forehead and whispered “I love you” and went back to their room.
Casey was feigning sleep when he came in. She didn’t care how he felt anymore and tonight was probably the most honest she’d been with herself about that. So he loved her? That was his problem now because she had other things on her mind.
She’d tried to sleep, knowing she had a lot to do in the morning. First she’d eat some breakfast, there was no reason to starve herself, then she was going to her mom and dad’s to talk to them, and then break the news with her boys.
Her parents had known there were problems in her marriage and they encouraged her to continue to seek counseling and try to work things out. They told her some of the problems they’d worked through in their 46 years of marriage and how happy they were they’d been able to get through them.
In the morning, Casey knew they would ask her if she’d done everything she could to save the marriage and she’d finally tell them she no longer loved Mark and never would. She’d tell them stories of how he’d psychologically been abusing her. She’d embellish the stories to put him in the worst light and her parents would believe her. She’d cry the fake tears she’d learned to shed for Mark and her dad would hug her and offer any support he could. Then she’d tell her sons who would take it hard, but they’d have to get over it. They were old enough now that they could handle the facts of life. Sure they’d get mad, maybe cry, but they’d get over it. She had to do what she had to do and divorcing their father would not kill them. She’d comfort them and answer questions that suited her ends, but she’d also tell them it was between her and their father and had nothing to with them.
Then she’d be off to see her attorney in town and tell the same stories and put the paperwork in motion to divorce Mark. After that, she’d go look at a couple of places to live on the income she had available to her as the County Treasurer and find the best way to get as much child support as she could from Mark.
It’s not that she wanted to screw him, but she wanted her life to be as comfortable as she could make it. She knew his love for her would work to her advantage if she played him right. She’d leave the door, seemingly, open for a possible reconciliation, but she knew in her heart that she was going to play him for all she could.
She was living for herself now, what she wanted, not what Mark wanted, not what the kids wanted, not what was expected of her. That had come to an end.
Eventually sleep had come to her and her dreams were flashes of happy times she’d had, the good times she’d shared with Mark and the boys. There were bits and pieces strung together that she’d only half remember in the morning and then those memories too would be banished as inconsequential because they were no longer a part of her life she wanted to have.
Joe’s alarm went off at 8 a.m. and Casey was up and out of bed, still wearing the clothes she’d worn yesterday. For some reason she felt safer sleeping fully clothed. Not that Mark would do anything, but she might want to let “slip” that she felt safer sleeping fully clothed when she was in the house. That would be a nice touch to any story she told to others.
She had a clean set of clothes already laid out so she could shower and make herself presentable. She used the kids’ bathroom instead of the one off the master bedroom so as not to tempt Mark into one of his sly moves of sneaking into the shower with her. That was something he’d done many times and she’d told him how much she enjoyed it, but not anymore.
She locked both doors to the kids’ bathroom before starting the shower. She’d forgotten to get her razor out of the master bath, but she’d shaved her legs in the bath just two nights earlier so she wasn’t really concerned. She used the boys’ shampoo and conditioner and toweled off with a towel of questionable cleanliness, but she no longer cared enough to think about it.
She dressed and applied her makeup from the pack she carried with her in her purse which she’d thought enough to keep with her. Looking as good as she could with the materials available she unlocked the door to the hallway and headed to the kitchen.
Mark was there at the table. It was obvious he hadn’t slept much if at all. There was a sadness hanging about him and tear salt on his face from the night before.
He didn’t say anything, just handed her the love note he’d spent the night writing. In it he offered her everything he could and many things he couldn’t. He begged and pleaded, spoke often of the fun they’d shared, reminded her of the love they’d shared and the promises she’d made.
She looked at the pages without reading the words. It was just another chit she would use against him.
“I can’t take it anymore, Mark, I’m leaving and there’s nothing you can do about it,” Casey said, throwing the hand written letter he had just given her to the floor. “Your words don’t mean anything to me anymore.
“This is just more of your words and I can’t believe anything you say anymore,” she said with the calm sultry voice that had first attracted him to her. “You’d say anything to try to get me to stay and it’s just more of your game to control me.
“I’m seeing a lawyer today. I’m going to file for divorce.”
Mark’s eyes widened. He couldn’t believe the words coming from her. “Control you? What are you talking about? I never tried to control you!” he said emphatically, ice blue eyes, something she’d always found attractive in him, started to glisten with tears. “Divorce? What do you mean? Why?”
She didn’t want to continue this conversation. She’d just laid out her reason for leaving, not the real reason, but the reason everyone would believe, and that was good enough for now. She went back to Joe’s room, pulled the handle out of the suitcase and wheeled it and herself out of Mark’s life.
Casey left him sitting at he kitchen table, head in his arms, body wracked by the crying. She didn’t care. She’d seen him cry before. He was a sensitive man and she was tired of sensitive men. If he was a real man he wouldn’t be crying now, he’d be thinking of a way to protect his income from her, be thinking of a way to keep her from getting child support, and be thinking of a way to move on with his life.
He should be thinking of himself like she was. She was already laying the groundwork for the stories she would tell their friends and her family. It would be difficult to convince them how much she hated Mark and how much went on behind closed doors. She’d need her family’s support and she didn’t want to lose her friends so she needed to get her story to the friends she really wanted to keep before he could.
Right now he should be calling their friends, telling them how she’d been acting, maybe sprinkle some suppositions about her infidelity, let slip some conflicting  information about how she’d been so passionate just nights before she left and how he had no idea this was coming.
If he was smart, he’d make sure her parents and his parents, all who knew him very well and loved him, knew how kind and gentle he was and make sure they knew he’d do nothing to ever hurt her and never had.
But instead, he sat there crying like a baby.
It was pathetic and she would use it against him.
Stupid Mark was so easy to use.
Casey smiled as she took her car down the drive. Mark was so easy to manipulate, it was almost unfair to him.

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